Hey Everyone!
Thought I’d write from a more personable point of view today.
I want to share my excitement—nah, ENTHRALLMENT, with the Journey I am on.
I invested three weeks ago in a Birthfit coaching course, to equip me with the knowledge and expertise to guide prenatal and postnatal women through and into their healthiest, most radiant, vibrant, happy, gracious, and fit pre- and post-pregnancy experience possible.
One of the first things I learned is that—like all great, big “projects,” it takes a team. A great chiropractor, a great doula, a great support network of friends, a great OBGYN, a great relationship to something bigger than yourself (Faith).
I am damn near head over heels with this decision I’ve made—OK, I am.
Why did I choose this path?
To be frank, the path chose me (oooooooh, cliché Abbs). But for real.
I’ll take you all the way back to when I was 10 years old.
I stood in the shower of my then childhood home, hot water pouring over my body and head. I was drowning in sorrow and sadness, grief, regret, and Guilt. I was in a battle to overcome the first bout of an eating disorder, what they call Anorexia, and it had been about 10 months or a little longer that I had been cutting way back (to near zero…definitely negative with exercise) calories, and I was seeing a team of people at the time to help “correct” the “problem.” The team consisted of: a psychiatrist, a social worker, and a nutritionist. My parents graciously and concernedly took me to these professionals to undo the damage. Realize that this language is my interpretation of the experience.
Somehow, someway…the team worked, but I felt extremely overlooked, underappreciated, and misunderstood during the entire thing.
Instead of asking me: “why do you think this is right?” giving a voice, a credit, a hug to my beliefs, attitudes, feelings, and visions…everyone dove right into the plan to fix the…again, “problem.”
The psychiatrist—honestly, I don’t even remember, I blocked her out.
The nutritionist wrote down the precise measurements of each food I would eat at each time of day, the most grace and freedom she showed being in allowing me to choose between cantaloupe and honeydew for breakfast.
The social worker—well, I blocked her out, too; but I remember wanting to connect more deeply, emotionally, intimately with her…to let her see me. But I think she and I didn’t have the tools at the time to make that happen.
But again, somehow, someway…the team worked.
I had a moment in the shower that evening where I saw a crossroads I was at and I felt this gap between myself and my Bright Future. The fact that I was connected to a Bright Future was the first best sign. It is true that when you brain and body are malnourished, you are not thinking as clearly and coherently; and once, I had added more calories…enough nutrition, to restore my brain and body’s health, I started seeing that Bright Future. Again, nutritionist—didn’t like her, but love her for being part of the team. Okay, back to that moment.
In this moment, I was racked with guilt.
I was feeling and thinking about all of the time and energy I had stolen from my most loved people: my parents and my siblings. The many appointments my parents drove me to and paid for. The many arguments I had with my parents about eating. And the peripheral stress my brothers’ must have felt—I mean, they are both older but they were young teens at the time, and they knew what was up. I felt I had somehow even stolen time away from them by eating up all of the attention of my parents. They needed love, too, I thought.
So, swimming in Guilt—no, drowning in guilt, I had to find my way out.
I knew this wasn’t the right emotion for me nor my healing.
This was when I saw the crossroads.
It’s almost like the pressure of the situation…the weight of that “wrong” and “heavy” emotion pushed me in a new direction…pressed on my pineal gland hard enough to trigger my mind and hear to coherently wake up to that Bright Future that lay ahead. It was out there for me to join; to express; to receive; to BE.
And then the image came to me, accompanied with a feeling of immense gratitude. I am holding my baby in the sky, looking at her with dazzling wonder, unconditional respect, and pure grace. She is amazing and THIS IS IT. I felt it all at once.
And with this vision came the crossroads.
What will it take to follow that path my 10 year old self thought to herself?
Eating more.
And in the same moment, I recognized that I could do nothing to “undo” the pain I may have caused my parents and siblings. Literally, nothing. I couldn’t go back in time and change my decisions. But—well, I guess later came my capacity to forgive myself though I tried to in that moment, I recognized the opportunity. I could make myself the healthiest version of myself possible and put myself in the position to have my baby/babies. That would be the most appreciated gesture, and make the most sense. Because, seeing me prosper and thrive would be my apology in a weird way and also my thanks for the life I was given.
I can’t quite put it into words, but I don’t want a baby/babies to say sorry to my parents for being anorexic at 10 years old. I want a baby/babies because I feel an innate nurturing, creative, and very soulful desire and purpose to bring children into this world.
So my path was clear and I took it.
Jump to today, and it’s easy to see how that vision, desire, and purpose of Being A Mother strongly guided my career choices.
I began as a personal trainer. Added in nutrition coach and holistic health coach. Then came yoga teacher. Then came cold exposure and primal movement teacher. Then came journaling teacher. And, altogether, I had formed what was for most of my adult life so far “Abby.”
…
But again, like that shower moment, something Bigger was calling me forward. Out of “Abby.” To recreate and reinvent myself.
This was a cloak…an illusion.
It was Mystery asking me to look even deeper into myself to see what was being revealed to me.
What was being revealed to me?
I had certain gems inside of me that needed to be brought to the surface and shared with the world.
I had certain desires inside of me that needed to be exercised and integrated into my calling (what some might call a “career”).
I had certain beliefs and perspectives that needed to be heard by certain women in this world.
And, an invitation—yet another path forward.
This time, the door (I couldn’t possibly know exactly what would stand behind it, and I am still finding out) read: “Becoming A Mother.”
So you are telling me that it was the same door you saw at 10 years old, aren’t you, Abby?
Nope, and maybe. haha.
credit: Steve Self, Ken Wilber, Don Beck
There is a concept in spiritual psychology/dynamics that is represented by the Spiral above.
As you can see/read, a radical shift happens between the first tier and the second tier where the human loses himself/herself/themself in order to become whole…in order to become nobody.
Becoming nobody and being whole are kind of the same thing.
Like I shared, I had to stop being Abby so I could become nobody. And in that space, I was whole, I am whole, and I can be the fullest expression of myself.
…
So, to be real with you, this Birthfit course had crossed my path maybe six or seven years ago, but I wasn’t ready to say ‘yes’ to it.
But, as the Hero’s Journey by Joseph Campbell goes
credit: creativeeducator.tech4learning.com
I had to go through x amount of loops/take x amount of laps around the cycle before I was ready to say “yes” to the Call To Adventure.
It’s funny because Adventure can be stuck under layers and layers of Fear, Guilt, etc. (all of the emotional programming and mental conditioning you’ve had for your whole life) and appear as this big, hairy, scary, frightening Monster.
Yet, it is the door to your Best Life.
I’m reminded of The Princess and the Pea, which warns readers to not jump to conclusions before having all the facts.
We are all on a journey of peeling back the layers and layers of illusions and unwinding the wiring of conditioning that controls us. When you are ready to say “yes” to your call to Adventure, you will know—because you will see it!
…
Okay, now I want to share some of the clear intentions and elevated emotions I am bringing into my service as a Birthfit coach.
INTENTIONS
-Selfishly and transparently, to be the best mother I can ever be.
-To empower other women to know how to mother themselves.
-To empower other women to empower their children, even before they are born.
-To empower other women to bring to this side of the world their happiest creation, a newborn baby. Other women who have a similar vision as I.
EMOTIONS
-Gratitude
-Love
-Hope
-Joy
-Trust
-Ecstasy
Going back to the loop of the journey I was on at 10 years old, it took a team of people to pull me out of my suffering.
It will take a team of people for every birth in this world—physically and metaphorically.
I want to be a part of that team. I am part of that team.
But I have a different vision, informed by the wisdom of my past, for how that team will support the woman. The woman begging to express…to give birth to, something bigger than her. I am already injecting my passion, wisdom, respect, and talent into this vision.
I want to know “why do you think this is right?” In more words, why is giving birth to a fucking miracle so important to you. And so many more questions that honor your unique journey.
I hope that you’ve enjoyed reading my Journey and I look forward to coaching you if you are the woman who is beyond that door.
In Creation,
Coach Abby