Pain.
A scary word? A comforting word? Something else?
I feel like we’ve all been conditioned to avoid pain. Yes, seek discomfort; but, yes, too, avoid pain.
One of my good friends and co-trainer’s reminded me along this tiresome, aggravating, and pain-full (no pun intended) journey that pain is there for a reason — to tell you something.
Like a carrier pigeon, delivering a message from a village far away to your very hands and eyes…Pain puts itself in the envelope of our flesh and the brain flaps its wings in a harrying fashion to alert us (the ‘I’) that “something is off.”
As far as I’ve been able to construe — after 30+ appointments with different sports medicine doctors, family medicine doctors, functional medicine doctors, acupuncturists, massage therapists, energy workers, chiropractors, and of course bundles of 1:1 meetings between myself:myself, that’s the most descriptive and accurate “diagnosis” for me: “something is off.”
To be clear, I have a great understanding of what is off.
It has spiritual roots.
It has emotional roots.
It has social roots.
It has physical roots.
It has psychological roots.
It has community roots.
And, just like a tree in the Redwood forest, if the singular tree does not feel connected to the greater forest, is swinging to and fro from the gentlest gusts of winds, feels a need to hide its true colors from the others, feels ill and unfed, doesn’t even feel like waking up to receive sunshine and carry out its life purpose of providing oxygen to its surrounding community members (people, plants, animals), and feels completely estranged from the community it stands amongst…is it really alive?
That’s how I have felt for the past 9-ish months. But, to be honest, the feeling of isolation and malnourishment began way before that.
I was scurrying for sources of spirituality when digging into the well of my own soul just didn’t feel like enough…not a fast-burning source of fuel, a long-burning source of fuel…but perhaps missing a necessary chemistry component to create Life Force for Greater Life.
I was empty and aching in my heart, hoping for some source of magical loving fuel when my ex hit me with pure projections of his own body-related insecurities that touched on past issues I had overcome.
I was scraping for sources of social connection when my friends backhandedly distanced themselves from me for not being vaxxed yet told me to my face that they were ok with my choice(s).
I was powerful, springy, forceful, had undying-stamina, creative and dynamic in movement flow, yet showing up for training sessions more frequently than I needed to to fill my soul, and more frequently than I needed to chisel my best physique.
I was frail, unappreciated, not exercising my massive creativity, and not meeting with other minds frequently enough to generate new idea babies and new businesses and new gifts for the world…a recipe for a dull and hollow mind which is reflected in an imbalanced brain state (not to mention the concussion I had in August of 2022).
I was completely ignoring how loving I was, how well I can connect with other people, how much I love teaching and learning, how much I appreciate and thrive on physical touch, and how much I love to dance with others — staying alone in my apartment instead because I needed to eat and then sleep for my next 4 am wake up to SERVE THE WORLD AS A PERSONAL TRAINER.
Does any of this, on the surface, sound painful?
Maybe, you human, can see that the glaring answer is yes.
But maybe, you human, have not considered pain to be part and parcel of all of these aspects of self, community, and life.
I’m here to tell you today that all of the parts of your Self are in constant, intimate, honest communication with each other at all times.
Hence, if you are upset or frustrated with your work situation, your spirit, brain, body, and the people around you (an extension of you…your proverbial Redwood Forest), will feel it, sense it, know it, and be impacted by it.
This is why people who stay in unhappy, unhealthy marriages for years develop drinking problems, cancers, anger management issues, and other dis-eases abound.
This is why people who choose careers because their mom and dad told them to carry an aura of self-defeat and self-doubt into surrounding areas of their lives: relationships, academia, adventure, etc. A seemingly impenetrable message of “I can’t choose my passion” acoustically bounces from eardrum to eardrum in their brains.
But, in all of these situations, for all people — regardless of socioeconomic foundation, racial foundation, religious foundation, spiritual foundation, body type/genetic foundation, all of us humans share the inter-corporeal sense of “flow,” “health,” and “homeostastis.”
Alternatively, like we know light and dark because they exist in juxtaposition, all of us humans share the inter-corporeal sense of “dis-ease,” “illness,” and “dysregulation.”
What baffles me is why we tolerate the latter host of feelings for so long without making changes!
I mean, human speaking to human, I am pondering the same question now.
Dr. Gabor Maté, Hungarian-Austrian psychiatrist who specializes in addiction and trauma, simplified the reason for me a couple of years ago, as I was scaling, surfing, and grappling with the terrifying tides of abandonment trauma I had in my life. He put it like this:
“[…] when people are faced with the choice of either attachment or authenticity in their relationships, most will go for attachment first, seeking approval and recognition from others instead of learning how to give it to themselves.
Sad but true. Human.
Maybe not so sad once we recognize it, right?
Can you recall a time when you felt the best choice for you in your bones, but chose something different to “follow the crowd” or “to fit in?”
I am sure you can. I certainly can.
It’s bigger than ‘peer pressure.’
It’s the real, core, base fear of being alone. Of being shunned from community. Of rejection. Of abandonment. Of feeling betrayed. Of feeling not good enough. Of being tossed out, like Joseph was tossed into the pit by his brothers.
And because why? Because you followed your truth?
Ridonkulous, seriously. Come on, people.
The strange and very surmountable reality is that we always have a choice to choose our authentic way, and that if the people who we call our loved ones cannot or are not willing to accept us for following that rainbow of truth that stems from our innermost knowings, inklings, and powers, they are not for us.
This circles me back to the the origins of pain.
Abandonment — not necessarily of others to you, but of you to yourself — — your truth, your inner knowing, your instincts, your bliss, your kinks, your curiosities, your messages…like the carrier pigeon…the message being the pain you feel in your body, is a directive…not just an unconscious rhythmic regularity like your heart beat(ing)…it is in some ways more important than that.
The pain in your body is telling you something.
The longer you ignore it, subconsciously telling it: “you can wait for later,” “you come second, third, fourth, way later in order,” “you do not have any value,” the greater it will grow and the bigger a mystery it will be to unravel.
Not to say you will not get to the root of it.
YOU WILL.
But, I encourage, maybe even beg you to get intimate, honest, and constant in conversation with deep pains in your body, at least once a day.
Not at the expense of its counterparts (hello again, light and dark), but for the growth, elevation, illumination, expansion, and permission for the light parts…the flow, the health, the homeostasis, to flourish.
Not just for you (but damn, that’s a dandy feeling); but for the world, too.
Because when you feel whole the world smiles.
Some may call this shadow work, others may call it deep listening. Whatever you call it, it is a very practical yet spiritual and divine slice of due diligence we owe to ourselves and the world.
What does your pain mean? What might your pain be asking for? Of you?